I was not ready for grad school

I was definitely not ready for grad school.

When I was in my last year of undergrad, pursuing my teaching license, I decided that I did not want to immediately start teaching and become “stuck” in Iowa. My advising professor at the time tried to caution me that I was not ready for grad school because I did not have a clear enough voice and concise body of work. He was absolutely right and I did not listen in the slightest. I could only afford to apply to three grad schools and I did not make good choices because I had not clue how to research schools and find out what “type” of art school they were (abstract, traditional, figurative, etc.). I got in to grad school by the skin of my teeth because I was a back up choice in case one of the potential grads they really wanted went somewhere else. I went in to grad school with no money, and no teaching opportunities or stipends offered. I took on a lot of debt and this was incredibly stupid of me.

While grad school in its entirety was challenging, my first year was especially harrowing because I didn’t know who I was as an artist and if I even had “something to say” in my art. I made things especially difficult for myself when I decided to no longer make the kind of art I was making in undergrad. One of my professors at the time asked me why I didn’t make what I had been making because that is why I got in to grad school. I don’t remember my response but I now know in hind-sight that for almost all of undergrad and grad school, I was making art in a certain way because I didn’t know what else to do and it seemed to please my professors. I had not yet experienced enough of life to have a strong sense of self, let alone have that translate into art. I also did not have enough technical know-how to express my unoriginal ideas.

In spite of all this, I can say that I made the right choice for the wrong reasons. My experiences in grad school, although artistically and emotionally painful, did help to shape who I am today and I would not want that changed. Grad school taught me how to think more deeply and analyze myself and others, it gave me a thicker skin, and it gave me more confidence in teaching a variety of subjects.

Almost a decade later, I am thankful for my foolish choices (except for the debt, that still sucks), but I would also advise against anyone using grad school as a means of escape. I would have gotten so much more out of the experience had I had the necessary discipline and life experience to better myself.